Shock Market

Let me be Frank, because, well, I am he. Or him. It is he that is I. Whatever, I am not an English professor. And the country doesn’t need one right now. What we need now is an economist.

The state of the economy right now is scarier than my prom pictures…and I went with Medusa. (Don’t judge me, they said she was a ‘stone cold’ fox). But my friends, we need to address these problems head-on and turn the market around now, and not after the election.

Some of my advisors suggested I suspend my campaign to deal with these fiscal matters in Washington, DC. What a silly idea. Who would do that? In fact, according to recent polling by the Atlanta Journal Constitution, I have a responsibility to my constituents, who now have me second in the polling ahead of McCain, and trailing Obama marginally.

No my fellow Americans, I say to you that what we need now is a strong leader in tumultuous times. We need a calming presence to go down there to Wall Street and ease the concerns of the investors who sent the Dow plunging over 750 points today. My friends, who is more calming than I?

I’m sure by now you’ve read about the failed $700 billion bailout plan that was voted down today in the House. People are going to be casting a lot of blame for this one. Was it House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s speech on the floor that dissuaded votes? Was it failed Republican politics that caused less than 33% of the GOP to approve? Or was it something else?

What was missing from the equation today? Old legislators? Check. Inflated egos? Check. Monsters? Missing.

Where was the monster vote? Monsters, who have always gotten people to act in masses, were surprisingly absent from today’s proceedings. Don’t tell me for one moment that, given the choice of voting WITH a monster or AGAINST a monster, the people on the voting floor would choose the latter. Monsters are VERY persuasive and usually cause people to do all sorts of things together – run, scream, hide, cry, form angry mobs, etc.

So maybe the problem is that we’re not reaching far enough across that aisle. I’d like to propose a test of this power. We gather the same people in the same room with the same bailout plan. We then put it to another vote. This time, we preface the vote by saying there are a series of monsters waiting somewhere inside the House and they would all like to vote for the bill.

Then we turn the lights out.

How much problem do you think we’d have in getting people to agree to that one?

Vote smart people. Vote Frank N. Stein for President.

Stein on Style

To continue with a point about appearances in politics, I wanted to address some recent reports on the wardrobes and styling of political candidates and their significant others.

We all have the same nightmare in politics. It’s 7 AM. You have a speech in 30 minutes and your best chains haven’t been polished. Your left stitch popped and your hand is falling off. People are screaming, you’re moaning and the voting public awaits – what do you do?

With the spotlight constantly on you in the political arena, it’s vital to look your best. This is no better exemplified than with Sarah Palin, who has taken on the role of political Barbie in these elections. For this reason, I have a few grooming tips that I’ve learned along the trail that may come in handy for my worthy opponents.

Clothing – Vintage is seemingly never out of style, because it’s always out of style. For this reason I like to take most of my new suits, put them on an intern, and then lock them in a closet with an angry badger. I feel it gives the suit a worn-in feel to it and as you can see, it looks fabulous.

Hair – This part is easy, I wasn’t given any. This shorn look says, “I don’t spend time styling, I spend time running the country.”

Shoes – When you have size 20 feet, your options are seemingly limited, but that shouldn’t lead to a style crisis. Little known fact, Condi Rice has size 20’s also. True story. I prefer the leaden boot look that was so popular in the 1980’s…and 1880’s for that matter.

Lips – I was told that purple was in this fall, which is tremendous because mine for some reason are always purple.

Nails – This is where I differ from some of the candidates. I feel that a little bit of color is never a bad thing, even for a man. That’s why I choose to keep mine a pale yellow almost year round.

Skin – Now, skin is very important. I have mine imported and am constantly vigilant for any maintenance that needs to be done. I’ve even consulted with celebrities like Joan Rivers and Michael Jackson to get that fresh look they’ve championed over the years. I may not have had as much work done on my face as they have, but I’m working on it.

The final product? Well, I think it speaks for itself.

Stay scary America!

- Frank N. Stein

Sarah Palin endorses Halloween

Just a quick note this afternoon. Alaska governor Sarah Palin has reported that she found Tina Fey's sketch "pretty funny" after the comedian/actress parodied her on Saturday Night Live a few nights ago.

A spokesperson for Sarah Palin said that,

She thought it was quite funny, particularly because she once dressed up as Tina Fey for Halloween...

I'd like to go on the record as saying I think it is commendable that Sarah Palin has come out in support of Halloween and dressing for the occasion. Partisan politics aside, we should all take a note from the Governor's playbook and think about how we'll be dressing this year for Halloween.

Some popular ideas, and costume tips/benefits, could be:

President George W. Bush - although that's a bit too scary

The Bush Doctrine - ask Sarah Palin for tips on how it is made

John McCain - all you need to do is wake up from a nap immediately before knocking on doors

Barack Obama - you'll be able to to trick-or-treat with Paris Hilton and Britney Spears

So what will I be dressing as this Halloween?

Stay tuned!

- Frank N. Stein

My First Lady doesn't even WEAR lipstick

Looks have become a very big part of this election. The aesthetic is all of a sudden a qualifying factor for attaining the highest office in the nation and, with good reason, I am a bit concerned...

For my opponents.

I am. I feel truly blessed to have been made of many different body parts that have stood the test of time. One of my opponents, and I won’t say who, is 72-years-old and seems to be ageing a bit worse than ole Frank here and I’m over 200-years-old. Not too bad and I guess yoga isn’t all hype. Although some of the positions are tougher than others when you have steel rods in your legs.

The other issue that’s been brought up in this election is sexism. Now as I pointed out in previous posts on here, I don’t have that much exposure to women aside from the screaming and crying most of them seem to do in my presence. But I’ve always been respectful of women and that’s why I believe I landed my gorgeous wife, and the future First Lady of the United States.

However, as these claims of sexism continue to abound, I’d like to keep her anonymous for now. We can simply refer to her as my wife, or Bride of Frank N. Stein.

We met in 1935, in a laboratory near mine and it seemed like she was created just for me. Ours was a forbidden love, again full of the normal tribulations of relationship in its infancy - the mobs, the angry townspeople, the fires, the fact that she originally despised me and was terrified of my presence, etc. Cest la vie for young lovers no?

We married soonafter meeting and she wore her hair up, which I love. Since marrying, it’s like we’ve been living a fiction story and we just seem to have so much in common. She will make a tremendous addition to my White House and is DEFINITELY better looking than a bulldog or pig with lipstick or whatever Governor Palin associates herself with.

My bride will be adding more of her thoughts on foreign policy and monster advocacy later, but I wanted to introduce her now so we can get it out of the way and move on to the important issues - like whether or not I can see Russia from my house. I can. I’m very tall.

Stay scary America!

- Frank N. Stein

No Monster Left Behind

My fellow Americans. I’d like to talk to you today about the state of education in America. (Along those lines, if you can’t read, then you can’t read this. And I’m sorry. But then again you can’t read this, so it doesn’t make much sense for apologies. But I still apologize, because that’s the kind of American I am).

Education in America is in dire straits. We’re far behind the rest of the world in all levels of math, science and language skills - with the only exception coming in the area of lunch, which our American students seem to excel in.

Now, my friends, the other candidates will want to throw money at the issue. They will talk about subsidies and “think-tanks” but they won’t address the immediate need for a complete education overhaul.

Mr. Obama said recently in a speech that,

Now is the time to finally meet our moral obligation to provide every child a world-class education because it will take nothing less to compete in the global economy. I’ll invest in early childhood education. I’ll recruit an army of new teachers, and pay them higher salaries and give them more support…

Moral obligation? Support? Every CHILD? How many of the students in his plan do you think are giant monsters? How many can’t fit in desks or use the tiny bathrooms? Where is their moral obligation and support?

Mr. McCain says,

Education is the civil rights issue of this century. Equal access to public education has been gained. But what is the value of access to a failing school? We need to shake up failed school bureaucracies with competition, empower parents with choice…

And what Mr. McCain of monster rights? Equal access to public education for man-made creatures? Does your benevolent nature not extend to the laboratory?

It is time for America to recognize the scarier factions of society that have been cast aside to special education castles, after school haunted houses and remedial swamps. We are ready for our turn in the classroom. We are ready to be the shining beacon of education for a new America. And we …we really hate castles and swamps. They are murky and they don’t get any good internet access.

No longer will monsters be passed over while the “normal” students continue to underwhelm and underachieve. Most children in today’s public school system would actually make better monsters than some monsters I know! They may have just missed their calling. I’m here to give them another chance.

According to the Washington Post,

The scores from the 2006 Program for International Student Assessment showed that U.S. 15-year-olds trailed their peers from many industrialized countries. The average science score of U.S. students lagged behind those in 16 of 30 countries in the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, a Paris-based group that represents the world's richest countries. The U.S. students were further behind in math, trailing counterparts in 23 countries.

When I am elected President, I promise that monsters will have a part in bringing those numbers up. We will end monster segregation in schools and usher in a new era of educational excellence in the United States.

However, until I am elected President, I’d recommend staying away from the public schools and instead visiting a haunted attraction near you - after all, public schools are a bit TOO scary.

- Frank

"Drill, baby, drill" - An endorsement of child labor?

As the Republican National Convention comes to a close, I wanted to give some thoughts on my worthy opponents and their speeches. The issue of drilling has been at the forefront of Governor Palin and Senator McCain’s message and I’d like to offer a few substitutes.

1) We harness the awesome power of lightning as an alternative means of energy
2) We simply create more oil

Both of these solutions are linked. For those of you still unfamiliar with my background, I would not be alive today if it weren’t for the rejuvenating power of lightning. I was created from it. So if a handsome devil like me can be “created”, why can’t we just “create” more oil? My seven-year-old niece created a Web site the other day, and our top scientists can’t create black liquid?

I mean, it’s a pretty simple problem. My father wanted to create me, so he did. We want more oil, so let’s just create some. How hard can it be? I was created from used body parts and am now the front runner for the President of the United States. I have three advanced degrees and am fluent in 4 languages (that’s 4 more than the current President is fluent in). And we’re complaining over this?

And what is the Republicans' plan for this? More drilling. Seems a bit archaic doesn’t it? That’s like saying, “Oh, my neckbolts are getting rusty, let’s go mine some more iron for replacements”. No. When your neckbolts are rusty, you go down to the corner store and get some new ones just like everyone else does.

The same should be true for oil. Running out? Make some more! Don’t reinvent the wheel. The wheel got us into this mess! If there wasn’t a wheel, we wouldn’t have the car. No car? No gasoline and we wouldn’t need oil. So isn’t the real problem the wheel?!

When elected, I promise the American people that I will look into this issue of the wheel. How necessary is it? I walk everywhere, WITH lead boots on, and I get along fine. Do you wear lead boots? So what are you complaining about?

I’m firmly resolved that if we get rid of the wheel entirely from our society, we will drastically cut our need for oil. So how about it America?! When it comes to Washington politics, let’s say NO to more “wheeling and dealing” in oil.

Stay scary America and have a great weekend!

- Frank

Hit me with your best shot...

With the recent threats made on Senator Barack Obama’s life, my campaign security team is trying to convince me to take some more precautions when speaking to the voting public.

They are apparently afraid that some random crazy person with a gun will do what the Wolf man couldn’t do. Let me say that again to be clear.

Wolf.

Man.

So who would you be more afraid of? Some random person with a gun who may get one shot off before being swarmed by police and security? Or a creature who is part wolf, part man, with razor sharp teeth and claws who, when the moon is full, has seemingly unlimited powers and a bloodthirsty vengeance grown over centuries of primal aggression.

I’ve survived a great deal during my life. The windmill fire when I was still a young monster. The time when I was accidently frozen for awhile (for which I sued successfully yet my arms haven’t quite thawed from). The battles with the Wolf man and Dracula over the years. So now, when I’m at the apex of my career and running for the highest office in the land, why should I be afraid? I mean, it’s not like I wasn’t a target before. I’m fairly hard to miss.

When consulting with my security team, the idea of a “Frank Mobile” was ruled out due to my fear of enclosed places and the fact that it looked rather ridiculous. Someone suggested I wear a bullet proof vest, and I had to explain that it would be a bit redundant when the only thing it would have been covering was leaden anyway.

What do I think? I say bring it on! If someone is willing to try and kill me, it must mean that they think I have a real shot of getting elected. I actually think it’s a good thing! Normally people try to kill me for trivial reasons like they’re missing some chickens and think I ate them or I’m scaring the town villagers when I go for my morning walk.

When I’m presented with such ignorance and hate, I think back to my first word when I was created. I frequently cite that word during speeches and daily conversations and I’d like to say it again to those of you who would try to injure or kill me.

What word is it you ask?

FRIEND!

I believe in that word so much, I usually draw out the syllables to stress its importance. So let that be a lesson for those of you who encounter people who want to hurt you in life. Just look them in the eye, smile, and say, “FRRRRIIIIIIEEEEENNNNNNNDDDD”. They’ll get the point.

I’ll be putting up some more videos from the campaign trail soon. Make sure and check back later on.

Stay scary America!

- Frank