Frank's Blog

Shock Market

2008-09-29T13:50:00.000-07:00

Let me be Frank, because, well, I am he. Or him. It is he that is I. Whatever, I am not an English professor. And the country doesn’t need one right now. What we need now is an economist.

The state of the economy right now is scarier than my prom pictures…and I went with Medusa. (Don’t judge me, they said she was a ‘stone cold’ fox). But my friends, we need to address these problems head-on and turn the market around now, and not after the election.

Some of my advisors suggested I suspend my campaign to deal with these fiscal matters in Washington, DC. What a silly idea. Who would do that? In fact, according to recent polling by the Atlanta Journal Constitution, I have a responsibility to my constituents, who now have me second in the polling ahead of McCain, and trailing Obama marginally.

No my fellow Americans, I say to you that what we need now is a strong leader in tumultuous times. We need a calming presence to go down there to Wall Street and ease the concerns of the investors who sent the Dow plunging over 750 points today. My friends, who is more calming than I?

I’m sure by now you’ve read about the failed $700 billion bailout plan that was voted down today in the House. People are going to be casting a lot of blame for this one. Was it House Speaker Nancy Pelosi’s speech on the floor that dissuaded votes? Was it failed Republican politics that caused less than 33% of the GOP to approve? Or was it something else?

What was missing from the equation today? Old legislators? Check. Inflated egos? Check. Monsters? Missing.

Where was the monster vote? Monsters, who have always gotten people to act in masses, were surprisingly absent from today’s proceedings. Don’t tell me for one moment that, given the choice of voting WITH a monster or AGAINST a monster, the people on the voting floor would choose the latter. Monsters are VERY persuasive and usually cause people to do all sorts of things together – run, scream, hide, cry, form angry mobs, etc.

So maybe the problem is that we’re not reaching far enough across that aisle. I’d like to propose a test of this power. We gather the same people in the same room with the same bailout plan. We then put it to another vote. This time, we preface the vote by saying there are a series of monsters waiting somewhere inside the House and they would all like to vote for the bill.

Then we turn the lights out.

How much problem do you think we’d have in getting people to agree to that one?

Vote smart people. Vote Frank N. Stein for President.

Stein on Style

2008-09-23T08:11:00.000-07:00

To continue with a point about appearances in politics, I wanted to address some recent reports on the wardrobes and styling of political candidates and their significant others.

We all have the same nightmare in politics. It’s 7 AM. You have a speech in 30 minutes and your best chains haven’t been polished. Your left stitch popped and your hand is falling off. People are screaming, you’re moaning and the voting public awaits – what do you do?

With the spotlight constantly on you in the political arena, it’s vital to look your best. This is no better exemplified than with Sarah Palin, who has taken on the role of political Barbie in these elections. For this reason, I have a few grooming tips that I’ve learned along the trail that may come in handy for my worthy opponents.

Clothing – Vintage is seemingly never out of style, because it’s always out of style. For this reason I like to take most of my new suits, put them on an intern, and then lock them in a closet with an angry badger. I feel it gives the suit a worn-in feel to it and as you can see, it looks fabulous.

Hair – This part is easy, I wasn’t given any. This shorn look says, “I don’t spend time styling, I spend time running the country.”

Shoes – When you have size 20 feet, your options are seemingly limited, but that shouldn’t lead to a style crisis. Little known fact, Condi Rice has size 20’s also. True story. I prefer the leaden boot look that was so popular in the 1980’s…and 1880’s for that matter.

Lips – I was told that purple was in this fall, which is tremendous because mine for some reason are always purple.

Nails – This is where I differ from some of the candidates. I feel that a little bit of color is never a bad thing, even for a man. That’s why I choose to keep mine a pale yellow almost year round.

Skin – Now, skin is very important. I have mine imported and am constantly vigilant for any maintenance that needs to be done. I’ve even consulted with celebrities like Joan Rivers and Michael Jackson to get that fresh look they’ve championed over the years. I may not have had as much work done on my face as they have, but I’m working on it.

The final product? Well, I think it speaks for itself.

Stay scary America!

- Frank N. Stein

Sarah Palin endorses Halloween

2008-09-16T11:32:00.000-07:00

Just a quick note this afternoon. Alaska governor Sarah Palin has reported that she found Tina Fey's sketch "pretty funny" after the comedian/actress parodied her on Saturday Night Live a few nights ago.

A spokesperson for Sarah Palin said that,

She thought it was quite funny, particularly because she once dressed up as Tina Fey for Halloween...

I'd like to go on the record as saying I think it is commendable that Sarah Palin has come out in support of Halloween and dressing for the occasion. Partisan politics aside, we should all take a note from the Governor's playbook and think about how we'll be dressing this year for Halloween.

Some popular ideas, and costume tips/benefits, could be:

President George W. Bush - although that's a bit too scary

The Bush Doctrine - ask Sarah Palin for tips on how it is made

John McCain - all you need to do is wake up from a nap immediately before knocking on doors

Barack Obama - you'll be able to to trick-or-treat with Paris Hilton and Britney Spears

So what will I be dressing as this Halloween?

Stay tuned!

- Frank N. Stein

My First Lady doesn't even WEAR lipstick

2008-09-15T07:05:00.000-07:00

Looks have become a very big part of this election. The aesthetic is all of a sudden a qualifying factor for attaining the highest office in the nation and, with good reason, I am a bit concerned...

For my opponents.

I am. I feel truly blessed to have been made of many different body parts that have stood the test of time. One of my opponents, and I won’t say who, is 72-years-old and seems to be ageing a bit worse than ole Frank here and I’m over 200-years-old. Not too bad and I guess yoga isn’t all hype. Although some of the positions are tougher than others when you have steel rods in your legs.

The other issue that’s been brought up in this election is sexism. Now as I pointed out in previous posts on here, I don’t have that much exposure to women aside from the screaming and crying most of them seem to do in my presence. But I’ve always been respectful of women and that’s why I believe I landed my gorgeous wife, and the future First Lady of the United States.

However, as these claims of sexism continue to abound, I’d like to keep her anonymous for now. We can simply refer to her as my wife, or Bride of Frank N. Stein.

We met in 1935, in a laboratory near mine and it seemed like she was created just for me. Ours was a forbidden love, again full of the normal tribulations of relationship in its infancy - the mobs, the angry townspeople, the fires, the fact that she originally despised me and was terrified of my presence, etc. Cest la vie for young lovers no?

We married soonafter meeting and she wore her hair up, which I love. Since marrying, it’s like we’ve been living a fiction story and we just seem to have so much in common. She will make a tremendous addition to my White House and is DEFINITELY better looking than a bulldog or pig with lipstick or whatever Governor Palin associates herself with.

My bride will be adding more of her thoughts on foreign policy and monster advocacy later, but I wanted to introduce her now so we can get it out of the way and move on to the important issues - like whether or not I can see Russia from my house. I can. I’m very tall.

Stay scary America!

- Frank N. Stein

No Monster Left Behind

2008-09-08T12:09:00.000-07:00

My fellow Americans. I’d like to talk to you today about the state of education in America. (Along those lines, if you can’t read, then you can’t read this. And I’m sorry. But then again you can’t read this, so it doesn’t make much sense for apologies. But I still apologize, because that’s the kind of American I am).

Education in America is in dire straits. We’re far behind the rest of the world in all levels of math, science and language skills - with the only exception coming in the area of lunch, which our American students seem to excel in.

Now, my friends, the other candidates will want to throw money at the issue. They will talk about subsidies and “think-tanks” but they won’t address the immediate need for a complete education overhaul.

Mr. Obama said recently in a speech that,

Now is the time to finally meet our moral obligation to provide every child a world-class education because it will take nothing less to compete in the global economy. I’ll invest in early childhood education. I’ll recruit an army of new teachers, and pay them higher salaries and give them more support…

Moral obligation? Support? Every CHILD? How many of the students in his plan do you think are giant monsters? How many can’t fit in desks or use the tiny bathrooms? Where is their moral obligation and support?

Mr. McCain says,

Education is the civil rights issue of this century. Equal access to public education has been gained. But what is the value of access to a failing school? We need to shake up failed school bureaucracies with competition, empower parents with choice…

And what Mr. McCain of monster rights? Equal access to public education for man-made creatures? Does your benevolent nature not extend to the laboratory?

It is time for America to recognize the scarier factions of society that have been cast aside to special education castles, after school haunted houses and remedial swamps. We are ready for our turn in the classroom. We are ready to be the shining beacon of education for a new America. And we …we really hate castles and swamps. They are murky and they don’t get any good internet access.

No longer will monsters be passed over while the “normal” students continue to underwhelm and underachieve. Most children in today’s public school system would actually make better monsters than some monsters I know! They may have just missed their calling. I’m here to give them another chance.

According to the Washington Post,

The scores from the 2006 Program for International Student Assessment showed that U.S. 15-year-olds trailed their peers from many industrialized countries. The average science score of U.S. students lagged behind those in 16 of 30 countries in the Organization for Economic Cooperation and Development, a Paris-based group that represents the world's richest countries. The U.S. students were further behind in math, trailing counterparts in 23 countries.

When I am elected President, I promise that monsters will have a part in bringing those numbers up. We will end monster segregation in schools and usher in a new era of educational excellence in the United States.

However, until I am elected President, I’d recommend staying away from the public schools and instead visiting a haunted attraction near you - after all, public schools are a bit TOO scary.

- Frank

"Drill, baby, drill" - An endorsement of child labor?

2008-09-05T08:50:00.000-07:00

As the Republican National Convention comes to a close, I wanted to give some thoughts on my worthy opponents and their speeches. The issue of drilling has been at the forefront of Governor Palin and Senator McCain’s message and I’d like to offer a few substitutes.

1) We harness the awesome power of lightning as an alternative means of energy
2) We simply create more oil

Both of these solutions are linked. For those of you still unfamiliar with my background, I would not be alive today if it weren’t for the rejuvenating power of lightning. I was created from it. So if a handsome devil like me can be “created”, why can’t we just “create” more oil? My seven-year-old niece created a Web site the other day, and our top scientists can’t create black liquid?

I mean, it’s a pretty simple problem. My father wanted to create me, so he did. We want more oil, so let’s just create some. How hard can it be? I was created from used body parts and am now the front runner for the President of the United States. I have three advanced degrees and am fluent in 4 languages (that’s 4 more than the current President is fluent in). And we’re complaining over this?

And what is the Republicans' plan for this? More drilling. Seems a bit archaic doesn’t it? That’s like saying, “Oh, my neckbolts are getting rusty, let’s go mine some more iron for replacements”. No. When your neckbolts are rusty, you go down to the corner store and get some new ones just like everyone else does.

The same should be true for oil. Running out? Make some more! Don’t reinvent the wheel. The wheel got us into this mess! If there wasn’t a wheel, we wouldn’t have the car. No car? No gasoline and we wouldn’t need oil. So isn’t the real problem the wheel?!

When elected, I promise the American people that I will look into this issue of the wheel. How necessary is it? I walk everywhere, WITH lead boots on, and I get along fine. Do you wear lead boots? So what are you complaining about?

I’m firmly resolved that if we get rid of the wheel entirely from our society, we will drastically cut our need for oil. So how about it America?! When it comes to Washington politics, let’s say NO to more “wheeling and dealing” in oil.

Stay scary America and have a great weekend!

- Frank

Hit me with your best shot...

2008-09-02T07:33:00.000-07:00

With the recent threats made on Senator Barack Obama’s life, my campaign security team is trying to convince me to take some more precautions when speaking to the voting public.

They are apparently afraid that some random crazy person with a gun will do what the Wolf man couldn’t do. Let me say that again to be clear.

Wolf.

Man.

So who would you be more afraid of? Some random person with a gun who may get one shot off before being swarmed by police and security? Or a creature who is part wolf, part man, with razor sharp teeth and claws who, when the moon is full, has seemingly unlimited powers and a bloodthirsty vengeance grown over centuries of primal aggression.

I’ve survived a great deal during my life. The windmill fire when I was still a young monster. The time when I was accidently frozen for awhile (for which I sued successfully yet my arms haven’t quite thawed from). The battles with the Wolf man and Dracula over the years. So now, when I’m at the apex of my career and running for the highest office in the land, why should I be afraid? I mean, it’s not like I wasn’t a target before. I’m fairly hard to miss.

When consulting with my security team, the idea of a “Frank Mobile” was ruled out due to my fear of enclosed places and the fact that it looked rather ridiculous. Someone suggested I wear a bullet proof vest, and I had to explain that it would be a bit redundant when the only thing it would have been covering was leaden anyway.

What do I think? I say bring it on! If someone is willing to try and kill me, it must mean that they think I have a real shot of getting elected. I actually think it’s a good thing! Normally people try to kill me for trivial reasons like they’re missing some chickens and think I ate them or I’m scaring the town villagers when I go for my morning walk.

When I’m presented with such ignorance and hate, I think back to my first word when I was created. I frequently cite that word during speeches and daily conversations and I’d like to say it again to those of you who would try to injure or kill me.

What word is it you ask?

FRIEND!

I believe in that word so much, I usually draw out the syllables to stress its importance. So let that be a lesson for those of you who encounter people who want to hurt you in life. Just look them in the eye, smile, and say, “FRRRRIIIIIIEEEEENNNNNNNDDDD”. They’ll get the point.

I’ll be putting up some more videos from the campaign trail soon. Make sure and check back later on.

Stay scary America!

- Frank

Our better halves...

2008-08-27T09:48:00.000-07:00

I had a few free moments last night from the campaign and decided to spend it watching the Democratic National Convention. There’s nothing better than relaxing in my massive lounge chair and loosening the ole’ neck bolts after a hard day on the campaign trail and I was anxious to hear what Hillary Clinton had to say during her speech.

As they wheeled her to the stage in what I can only imagine to be some sort of Hannibal Lector style dolly, I thought back on the history of women in politics. Last night after all marked the 89th anniversary of women receiving the right to vote and becoming full citizens of this country. As anyone familiar with my past knows, I’m well schooled on suffrage, or any other means of suffering for that matter, and I take this issue very personally.

It’s been 24 years since Geraldine Ferraro was nominated as a Vice Presidential candidate and women have come a long way since then. Geraldine has always been very outspoken in saying that her nomination was due to in large part because she was a woman, not due to her politics, and I wanted to address this fact.

Now, I don’t know much about women as they tend to be somewhat intimidated by me. Based on my limited interactions though, I can tell you that they have very wide eyes, love to scream, largely consist of active sprinters and epileptics, and are always crying at the drop of a hat.

This normally doesn’t sound like a very good political candidate, but I still hold them in the highest of regards. Women tend to smell much better than I do and, while they are usually in hysterics, have proven to be highly intelligent. For this reason, I’m not at all discounting the possibility of selecting a female candidate for my running mate. Or is it mattress? I don’t think that’s right. But either way, it’s a possibility!

Several scary women are on my shortlist of viable choices and I’m weighing each of them carefully - after all, I can’t have one weighing more than I do or else Air Force One can’t carry us…I’m over 400 lbs.

I’m anxious to hear from our female voters on this possibility and for them to have their voices heard during my entire presidential campaign. You can reply right here on http://www.FrankNStein2008.com/ and I’ll be available with any questions or concerns.

In the meantime, stay scary America!

- Frank N. Stein

Just Biden my time...

2008-08-25T09:28:00.000-07:00

I’d like to take the opportunity to personally congratulate Sen. Joe Biden on his selection as Sen. Barack Obama’s running mate for the 2008 Presidential election. I have to do so on my blog as my calls to Obama campaign headquarters were answered quite rudely by staffers there. If any of them are reading this, no, I do not make a habit of prank calling presidential campaigns and I have no direct affiliation to Dracula - although I count him among my good business contacts.

I’d also like to let my supporters know that my choice for Vice President will be made shortly as well. Those on the shortlist have been identified and contacted last week. Each has a stellar record of scary leadership and I’m confident they will make a tremendous addition to the campaign.

While I cannot divulge who is on that shortlist right now, I can confirm that Congressman Alfred “Freddy” Kruger is not among them. Freddy and I met earlier last week to discuss the future of America and were unable to meet eye-to-eye on many key issues. While I respect the work Mr. Kruger has done, his brand of cut throat politics make it seem like he is living in some sort of dream world.

I also can deny that Rep. Candy Mann is under consideration. I called him five times last week and he never appeared. I wish him the best.

Again, I’d like to make it very clear that my candidate has not been solidified and I welcome any other suggestions. The role of Vice President is not a glamorous one and whomever I chose must expect to work very hard. They also must expect to be content in the #2 position -- as I’m unable to be killed so assassination isn’t an option.

I will have more information as it becomes available. Congratulations though to Joe Biden and Barack Obama on their ticket. I look forward to finding positions for you both in my White House.

Stay scary America!

- Frank N. Stein

I taught Michael Phelps everything he knows

2008-08-21T09:51:00.000-07:00

As the Olympic Games in Beijing are drawing to a close, I’d like to congratulate all of the men and women who took part in these pursuits of excellence. It wasn’t long ago that I too was a young athlete pushing my body to its limits, and then surpassing them.

I excelled in several sports due to my advantageous size. Track & Field came naturally and I was known to clear several hurdles at a time by merely walking down the track. Javelin and shot put were another matter and normally required restraint as NORAD scrambled jets once when I launched the projectiles as hard as I could.

Swimming was also a strength of mine due to the sheer fact that by the time I dove in, I was already finished. I’ve since worked with Michael Phelps on the advantages of adding body parts to improve performance and his flippers have worked out quite well so far.

Swimming was a love/hate relationship for me though as they didn’t let me dive because the boards they used weren’t strong enough to support me. Another little known fact, they don’t put nearly enough water in the pool to accommodate a proper diver such as myself. A few spectators almost drown from the splash and I do feel bad about that.

I wasn’t allowed to compete in gymnastics either due to what my coach called “a complete lack of flexibility and grace”. I still don’t quite understand what he meant by that, he was always very cryptic.

There has been some scrutiny with the way the judges have ruled during the Games. I personally never had a problem and it seemed like all I had to do was look at the judges and they would give me 10’s. Some said it was due to the way I looked. To that I can only say that they rarely make leotards for someone who is 8”9” tall and weighs over 400 lbs. I did the best with what I was working with. Here’s a tip: sequins can make anything look better.

My trainer/doctor was probably the most important person during and after my Games. Sure he was a one-armed blind man, but he knew his way with stiches. He was so good in fact that they are still in my head to this day. That takes a special kind of skill.

So as the Olympians leave Beijing for their homes across the country, I want to again thank them for representing our country with such pride. That’s what I’m trying to do as well and with your vote for Frank N. Stein we can bring home the gold in November.

Also, in closing, I’d like to again apologize for the confusion during my marathon run which some members of the media have described as “terrorizing the locals”. To this day however I still am very active in popularizing the sport and it’s been said I’m responsible for making more people run than anyone else in history.

Stay scary America!

- Frank

A jarring discovery on the state of US healthcare

2008-08-19T11:46:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I had the opportunity to visit a local hospital to view firsthand the current state of healthcare in the US.

I always enjoy hospitals. For some reason I feel oddly at home among other disfigured people and the screaming isn’t always because of me. In my time I’ve had the opportunity to meet with various mummies who’ve always espoused the importance of medical supplies and I was anxious to see how this hospital stacked up.

When I arrived at Igor Memorial, the doctors and police were very accommodating and made sure I wasn’t disturbed by clearing out the entire wing I was visiting. I would’ve thanked them but they also ran off with most of the patients - most likely to ensure they didn’t try and sneak back in.

As I roamed the halls looking for someone to speak to, I examined the level of care being administered to the people. This hospital, from what I’d seen, was in a state of poor disrepair. For starters, there wasn’t even a lift for the operating table to reach the roof! I mean, for a bunch of smart doctors, you would think they would’ve thought of a way for the lightning to get in.

Also, people weren’t properly fastened down with even the most basic of leather straps. In my day, I had steel restraints…but they couldn’t even give these poor souls Velcro. The normal torches were replaced with a harsh fluorescent lighting and there were far too few levers and buttons for my taste.

But the real disappointment was the complete lack of supplies! When I was being created, my operation relied heavily on the organs and vital parts of others. These were always arranged neatly on a shelf in a laboratory in clearly marked jars. In this hospital? Nothing! And to think, they’d even named it after my Uncle Igor. I was appalled.

That is why a big part of my campaign will focus on the issue of recycled body parts. No citizen should ever have to walk into a hospital and doubt whether they have an extra kidney somewhere in a jar upstairs. Or a spare brain waiting to be implanted. And not only a normal brain, one of their choosing! Feet, fingers, noses…each should have its own jar and labeled appropriately so there is no confusion. After all, we are civilized.

Healthcare is a topic I’ll be sure to revisit over the coming weeks leading up to the election. In the meantime though, take a look and see if your doctor keeps body parts on hand. If so, that’s a great sign.

Stay scary America.

- Frank

Scare tactics

2008-08-18T09:11:00.000-07:00

Obama to McCain: “You’re trying to scare voters”
Frank to Obama: “Umm, hello?”

It has recently come to light in an article in CNN that Democratic Presidential candidate Barack Obama is accusing Republican challenger John McCain of “scaring voters” into not going with Obama in November. Apparently Mr. Obama needs to check his ego and has forgotten that a giant monster is also running for President.

In the article, Obama was quoted as saying:

...John McCain, all he wants to do is talk about me. They know they can't win on the issues. So what they'll do is they'll try to scare people. 'He's risky. He's risky. We're not sure...

Really, Obama? You want to have a scare-off? Put me in the room next to you and we’ll just see who is scarier! The entire issue really grinds my gears (literally) and I challenge either Mr. Obama or Mr. McCain to produce anyone scarier than myself to the American public. Now that Hillary is out of the race, I’m definitely the front-runner for scariest candidate.

I take it as a personal affront to not only my candidacy, but also to my very existence that McCain would try and scare voters without my blessing. Just because we’re the same age doesn’t give you the right to steal my platform.

And to Mr. Obama, shame on you sir for not recognizing my candidacy and inherent right to scariness. I imagine the first time we meet in person you’ll have to “change” a certain item of clothing you’ll be so scared. I welcome the opportunity and do not hide from it. I can’t. I’m massive.

So from now on, please stick to the issues… your own issues. I’ll handle the scary.

Monster…Freak…Creature…President?

2008-08-15T11:53:00.000-07:00

What's in a name? That which we call a rose
By any other name would smell as sweet.

Shakespeare said it best…I don’t think he had me in mind however.

The campaign is underway and the road ahead is wrought with challenges. It will be a journey that will take us out of the swamps and into the spotlight. It will take the lowliest of creatures and transport them to the heights of power. And ultimately, when we reach the pinnacle of our hard work and determination, we’ll be standing on the precipice of real change in America...behind our giant desk in the White House.

I recently had the opportunity to speak to a young girl as I was roaming the countryside during my morning moaning. After she was done hysterically crying (sometimes people don’t know how to react among public figures), she looked up at me and simply said, “What the….”. She didn’t need to say any more, I knew what she meant, “What the heck is the plan you have for America, Frank?”

Well I’m glad she asked me that question and as she ran off screaming into the distance (obviously to tell her friends about meeting a celebrity) I pondered it myself. Sure, I have the looks, talent, charm, charisma and fashionable neck bolts required of any public servant, but did I have a plan? Well young lady, I’d like to take this opportunity to say yes…yes I do.

My plan is five-fold but the basic fundamentals are S.C.A.R.E:

Scream for change
Challenge the status quo
Attack crime and poverty
Re-establish a monster middle class
Educate the public on villager abuses

You’ll see these five points come to greater lucidity during the coming weeks and months ahead but my mandate remains clear - SCARE some sense into the voters of America.

I’ll soon be naming my cabinet which will be comprised of the best and brightest advisors in the fields of: finance, military, education, law, international relations and monster advocacy. The Haunts party will also be selecting our choice for Vice President, who will follow closely along with the SCARE mandate and join me as we head out on the road to a town near you.

Yes, it’s true. We’ll be taking our show on the road and traveling from town to town across America to directly address the tough issues. We ask that in advance of these visits, all fires be put out and all pitchforks be properly stored.

I’ll write more soon, but there’s a lightning storm right now and I need to recharge my batteries…literally.

Until next time, remember…just because it takes a village, doesn’t mean villagers are always right.

Stay scary America!

- Frank

Stick a fork in it

2008-08-15T06:48:00.000-07:00

Groucho Marx once said,

"Politics is the art of looking for trouble, finding it everywhere, diagnosing it incorrectly, and applying the wrong remedies."

As the campaign gets underway, we’re going to be hearing a lot more about “the issues”. These issues, while seemingly trivial to some people, are unequivocally vital to others. After all, it is the issues on which we built this country. We had issues with a tyrannical government across the sea and they had issues with our want of free governance. I’m going to speak with you today about a similar issue.

Each day at press conferences I’m asked more and more difficult questions. When I pause for a moment to ponder important topics, I usually make a noise similar to how people say, “hmmm...”. Unfortunately, because of an accident in my youth that damaged my nasal passages, this usually comes out as, “Unnggggghhhhhh…”. Due to that same accident, my arms sometimes need to be stretched outwards to promote proper blood circulation. The result creates a lot of misunderstanding.

The issue recently brought before my giant desk that I am here to speak with you about today is that of gun control. My fellow Americans, I think we’re missing the point here. We’re masking the real issue by speaking about a device only around for a few hundred years. What is the real problem you ask? Pitchforks.

Yes, pitchforks. Have you ever seen a pitchfork? They’re quite intimidating. What would you be more scared of when you walked down a darkened alley? A man with a concealed handgun or a man running at you with a pitchfork? I don’t even think you can conceal a pitchfork. That should say a lot.

Let me paint a scenario for you. You’re walking through the park on your way home from the graveyard or laboratory or wherever you usually hang out. Your child is with you. All of a sudden, in the distance, there’s a faint glowing. As you tighten the grip on your child’s hand you realize that glowing is coming from a group of villagers with torches (also highly dangerous) and in their hands they each carry a large pitchfork. What do you do?

Remember, as of right now, there are no such thing as “pitchfork proof vests”. They haven’t invented “pitchfork proof glass” to hide behind. There are no blanks in pitchforks and you can’t turn the safety on and off. No my friends. When you’re presented with a pitchfork there are very few options.

What is a pitchfork anyway? Websters Dictionary defines it as, “A large, long-handled fork with sharp, widely spaced prongs for lifting and pitching hay in fields”. What?! Why are people running around attacking others with this? When a threat is presented to your family, is your first thought, “Get the garden hose?” Is it, “Oh no, an intruder. Someone grab the rake?” So why is a pitchfork just lying around. I’ll tell you why - malicious intent.

The prevalence of pitchfork attacks in the US is rising at an alarming rate. More alarming is that there are currently no laws on the books regarding pitchfork legality. Having been personally chased with pitchforks many times in my life, both professional and personal, I think this is an abomination of justice. I plan on making it a part of my campaign to officially introduce legislation before Congress with the end result of “Pitching the Fork”.

I encourage all of my constituents to share their own feelings on pitchforks. Don’t be scared. Come forward!

No longer will we suffer under the five prongs of injustice.

No longer will we feel the cold steel poke of fear.

No longer will people scream, “Hey look at that huge green guy with bolts in his neck, let’s go get him and stick him with our pitchforks.”

No longer.

My name is Frank N. Stein and I'm running for President

2008-07-23T13:02:00.000-07:00

My name is Franklin N. Stein and I’m running for President of the United States. You can call me Frank, all my friends…well, a lot of people do.

Over the past few weeks, there has been a great deal of speculation about why I would choose to accept the Haunts Party’s nomination to run on their behalf. I’d like to take this opportunity to explain my motives behind becoming the second man-made person to run for the office of the Presidency. (The first was Bob Dole. If you don’t believe me, look at him).

There is a great deal of people who think they “know” me. They think that they know my story because they read an UN-authorized biography written over two hundred years ago by an opposition lobbyist named Mary Shelley. What they don’t know is the real story. What they don’t know is the man behind the monster. The man yearning to use his stitches to stitch together a new nation, to use his neck bolts to tighten homeland security, to use his giant feet to stomp out crime and his borrowed brain to revitalize our school system.

Need alternative energy sources? I was created when lightning struck a tower. Bring it on.

Need a stronger international presence? I’m 8’9” tall. Who would mess with us?

Need a morally responsible public figure? I’m a hideous monster - I don’t date much.

My background speaks for itself, as was evidenced in Mary Shelley’s slanderous novel. Sure, I had a rough childhood and one that wasn’t without turmoil. Growing up in a mean village on the east side of town, I was confronted daily by angry citizens wielding pitchforks and torches. Amongst all of that hatred, I was calmed by focusing on the key principle of the Haunts Party that I still carry with me today in my giant sized wallet:

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all monsters are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator/Evil Scientist with certain unalienable rights and among them are horror, screaming and the pursuit of scariness.

My struggle became an opportunity for change in America. By overcoming these odds, I’ve risen to where I am today…in a position to lead America down a new and scarier path. With your help, we can make the White House a Haunted House.

Let’s scare some sense into the voters of America!

My name is Frank N. Stein and I’m running for President of these United States.