Hit me with your best shot...

With the recent threats made on Senator Barack Obama’s life, my campaign security team is trying to convince me to take some more precautions when speaking to the voting public.

They are apparently afraid that some random crazy person with a gun will do what the Wolf man couldn’t do. Let me say that again to be clear.

Wolf.

Man.

So who would you be more afraid of? Some random person with a gun who may get one shot off before being swarmed by police and security? Or a creature who is part wolf, part man, with razor sharp teeth and claws who, when the moon is full, has seemingly unlimited powers and a bloodthirsty vengeance grown over centuries of primal aggression.

I’ve survived a great deal during my life. The windmill fire when I was still a young monster. The time when I was accidently frozen for awhile (for which I sued successfully yet my arms haven’t quite thawed from). The battles with the Wolf man and Dracula over the years. So now, when I’m at the apex of my career and running for the highest office in the land, why should I be afraid? I mean, it’s not like I wasn’t a target before. I’m fairly hard to miss.

When consulting with my security team, the idea of a “Frank Mobile” was ruled out due to my fear of enclosed places and the fact that it looked rather ridiculous. Someone suggested I wear a bullet proof vest, and I had to explain that it would be a bit redundant when the only thing it would have been covering was leaden anyway.

What do I think? I say bring it on! If someone is willing to try and kill me, it must mean that they think I have a real shot of getting elected. I actually think it’s a good thing! Normally people try to kill me for trivial reasons like they’re missing some chickens and think I ate them or I’m scaring the town villagers when I go for my morning walk.

When I’m presented with such ignorance and hate, I think back to my first word when I was created. I frequently cite that word during speeches and daily conversations and I’d like to say it again to those of you who would try to injure or kill me.

What word is it you ask?

FRIEND!

I believe in that word so much, I usually draw out the syllables to stress its importance. So let that be a lesson for those of you who encounter people who want to hurt you in life. Just look them in the eye, smile, and say, “FRRRRIIIIIIEEEEENNNNNNNDDDD”. They’ll get the point.

I’ll be putting up some more videos from the campaign trail soon. Make sure and check back later on.

Stay scary America!

- Frank