"Drill, baby, drill" - An endorsement of child labor?

As the Republican National Convention comes to a close, I wanted to give some thoughts on my worthy opponents and their speeches. The issue of drilling has been at the forefront of Governor Palin and Senator McCain’s message and I’d like to offer a few substitutes.

1) We harness the awesome power of lightning as an alternative means of energy
2) We simply create more oil

Both of these solutions are linked. For those of you still unfamiliar with my background, I would not be alive today if it weren’t for the rejuvenating power of lightning. I was created from it. So if a handsome devil like me can be “created”, why can’t we just “create” more oil? My seven-year-old niece created a Web site the other day, and our top scientists can’t create black liquid?

I mean, it’s a pretty simple problem. My father wanted to create me, so he did. We want more oil, so let’s just create some. How hard can it be? I was created from used body parts and am now the front runner for the President of the United States. I have three advanced degrees and am fluent in 4 languages (that’s 4 more than the current President is fluent in). And we’re complaining over this?

And what is the Republicans' plan for this? More drilling. Seems a bit archaic doesn’t it? That’s like saying, “Oh, my neckbolts are getting rusty, let’s go mine some more iron for replacements”. No. When your neckbolts are rusty, you go down to the corner store and get some new ones just like everyone else does.

The same should be true for oil. Running out? Make some more! Don’t reinvent the wheel. The wheel got us into this mess! If there wasn’t a wheel, we wouldn’t have the car. No car? No gasoline and we wouldn’t need oil. So isn’t the real problem the wheel?!

When elected, I promise the American people that I will look into this issue of the wheel. How necessary is it? I walk everywhere, WITH lead boots on, and I get along fine. Do you wear lead boots? So what are you complaining about?

I’m firmly resolved that if we get rid of the wheel entirely from our society, we will drastically cut our need for oil. So how about it America?! When it comes to Washington politics, let’s say NO to more “wheeling and dealing” in oil.

Stay scary America and have a great weekend!

- Frank